


Hollow and Terribly Lonely

by Descaladumidera



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Again, Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, M/M, Pain, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Tony is alive, apparently a fix-it that made it worse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-21 14:43:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18704422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Descaladumidera/pseuds/Descaladumidera
Summary: SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS: ENDGAMEBut he knew this was his life now. With sex, but no kisses. With a relationship, but no words. With love, but no feelings.





	Hollow and Terribly Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> I was drunk and I wanted pain. Apparently.

“Dying is … not as nice and easy as people want you to think it is,” Tony said one evening, lying right next to Stephen, his face mushed against the other’s shoulder. “It’s hollow and terribly lonely.”

He still had the scars, running down the right side of his body, reminding him of the fateful day he had snapped his fingers, finally defeating Thanos. His right arm had been damaged beyond repair and he still felt a terrifying loss at not having it anymore. It had been two months. It had been two months since he had died. Two months since Stephen had performed the ritual and brought him back to life.

_I am a selfish man_ , he had said. _I loved you through 14,000,605 futures and I couldn’t live without you. Nobody can know that you are alive. I’m sorry._

The _I’m sorry_ ’s haunted Tony day in and day out, but he didn’t dare do anything about it. He was just happy that he could see his little girl grow up from afar, even though he couldn’t be a part of her life anymore.

And he was happy, wasn’t he? As much as he could be, lying naked in bed with a man he kind of loved. Not _love_ loved, but loved in his own way. He could live like this. Maybe. With time.

“I never wanted to die,” he whispered, his voice cracking, trying to get even closer to Stephen. “I was afraid of it. And rightfully so.”

“I’m sorry,” Stephen said, but his voice sounded empty. It had always been like this since Tony had come back. Like Stephen had lost himself in the ritual of bringing Tony back to life. It hurt. In a way. Tony wasn’t sure anymore what he felt. It was all a mess.

“Don’t be,” he said, not knowing, why he said it, not knowing why he wanted to reassure Stephen. They had become like this—empty shells, void of emotion, barely a hint of feelings left. Like ghosts.

Stephen didn’t reply. He never did, when Tony talked about the time he died. Maybe he was afraid. Tony wouldn’t know, because Stephen never told him. They never talked much, if he was honest with himself. Just spent their days together, much like a couple, which they kind of were, because he knew Stephen loved him.

_You are back. I love you. I love you so much. I missed you._ Those had been the first words Stephen had said to him when he had come back. And then he had kissed him. Tony could still feel the tingle of Stephen’s lips against his. They haven’t kissed since then.

Tony wasn’t sure of much anymore, didn’t know what to do and what to think. But he knew this was his life now. With sex, but no kisses. With a relationship, but no words. With love, but no feelings.

It was madness, but he wouldn’t change it, because dying was hollow and lonely and Stephen had saved him from that. He had saved him. _He had saved him._


End file.
